Is the smoke detector working?

Wednesday was the most suicidal I’ve been in a while

I’m trying to get a hold of it. I had therapy today and my therapist had me agree if it gets any worse I’ll call her and we’ll figure out a plan to get me hospitalized.

I’ve been on and off suicidal basically since I started college 5 years ago with 1 attempt that I stopped on my own. I’ve been so overwhelmed and at the bottom for the last couple of weeks. I reached out to a crisis line on Wednesday night and cried until I exhausted myself and fell asleep. I’ve only got two weeks left in this internship and need to finish it strongly but the anxiety and depression are absolutely destroying me. I’m terrified of moving back in with my emotionally abusive and neglectful family in August when the internship (which came with housing) ends. I’m scared I won’t finish my projects either. We think part of the reason I can barely work on them is in my head it delays the program from ending.


The thoughts have normalized for me. It’s not alarming to me to think about it most days. Like it’s just something I have to deal with because I’m me. That’s probably bad. Wednesday actually scared me with how strong they were though. 

I’m a fucking mess. I hate myself and I’m trying to recover from 23 years of abuse and neglect but it feels like I’ll never get better or ever be normal. I can’t see positives to myself and am embarrassed and ashamed of just being me. I don’t think anyone will ever want me because how could anyone?

I guess we’ll see if I make it to the end or am in the hospital again. I honestly don’t know which will happen at this point. Hopefully getting it out in therapy will help me feel a little better tomorrow.

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