So I've already shared my ordeal with being hospitalized, and I also wrote a post yesterday where I showed photos to an event I went to where I had some badly needed fun and relaxation. One of the things I'm constantly worried about are the lows that always follow the highs. 2014 has been one of the worst, if not the worst, calendar year of my life so far. 2013, despite having the number "13" in it (yes I'm one of those people) was one of the best. And despite the fact that I was going through the whole cancer and chemo thing. In fact ironically 2013 was such a good year very much in large part because of the cancer and chemo. For some strange reason I felt more like myself and free during the chemo treatment, and I felt like I had everyone's support more than I do now. Plus right after chemo through a bunch of dumb luck I ran into great support groups in college but I haven't been able to meet them since.
I bring this up because I think I'm starting to hit a low now. I've been spending most of the morning reading Oppo and doing house chores and waiting for my dad to wake up to help around the house. I was also trying to read some books (thanks to the hospitalization I'm way behind schedule now) and doing some non-Oppo writing. But I'm discovering that it's very hard to do today. The Open House event yesterday was relatively early so it took my attention pretty much right away and was a good distraction, but I think this morning and into the afternoon things are starting to flood in now.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm wondering if I've been at least partially traumatized by the hospitalization experience. I know I was sent there by a bunch of people who were trying to have my best interests in mind and trying to get me fixed and trying to do all they can for me, and the people actually there were doing all they can likewise, but I'm wondering if the experience ended up doing more bad than good. I also honestly feel a little guilty feeling as if I've been traumatized by it. I mean, it's not like I've been to a war zone or even to real jail - at worst I've been to minimum-security jail. And it's a bit ridiculous to say I've been traumatized by an experience that was supposed to help fix me of bullshit like that in the first place. But I've noticed that despite medication my anxiety is going way up and it's hard for me to let go of habits and other things I desperately want to break out of and return to how things were before.
I really don't know. I'd like to bring it up to my therapist but I'm honestly a little afraid to, and honestly I'm a little afraid of being sent there again. Hopefully maybe just writing this out and sharing this will go a long way to at least shaking out some of that anxiety.
EDIT: Since this is still pretty high up on CL I just want to add some other stuff and unload them off my chest. I hit on a security guard while she was on duty (or to be very precise about this, I asked her if she would like to go to lunch when she was off while she was on duty). A day later I got mad at a younger couple who cut me off and flipped me off and I tried to race past them in traffic. Then I got thrown into a psychiatric watch for a 72 hour hold and was convinced to sign off on it on very incomplete information, a bunch of assumptions not made by me but made for me, a lot of pressure by trusted psychiatric professionals to just get me to do it, and what I felt like was genuine deception including being mislead into thinking it was strictly to see outside psychiatrists with the very strong possibility of being released on the same day. Yeah, the road rage was more than a little irresponsible but I genuinely think it's unfair, I genuinely think it's a massive overreaction and I very genuinely think that something plain old went wrong. A small part of me even wants to call it illegal, or at least highly irresponsible on the part of a whole bunch of medical professionals who oversaw me over that ordeal, even the ones I still continue to trust the most, even the ones I spoke the nicest about in my journal/diary. A Major part of me keeps going back and fourth about being anxious and having anxiety attacks over it, how people will continue to judge me about it or judge my actions, and quite frankly being very angry about it. And a very major part of me just wants to fucking sue the goddamn pants off of someone. And that part of me thinks I have a God. Damn. Mother. Fucking. Strong case on this one.
I think I'm leaning towards sharing this on Oppo after all. I don't know if tonight or not. I want to make sure as many people see this as possible because I'm really looking for advice here.