Greetings there CL! First, I apologize in advance for any typos or grammar errors. I am armed only with an android tablet and kinja mobile does not like me very much. As my name msy suggest, I am a kid in high school... in florida. Yay me! (/s) anyways, im 17 and kinda feel crummy, which is why I ended up here. I just like talking with someone since I dont really have anyone else that I can talk with. Oh, surprise time!
Im JQJ213. Bet you weren’t expecting that one! Okay, long story short, my dad has started following my main account. Everything I post he sees and comments on. So I can no longer come get some advice and ramble without him saying something usually negative towards me.
Alright, ramblings time.
As you probably figured out, im still lonely and anxious and have self diagnosed myself with manic depression. I can be fine, and literally out of nowhere feel worthless.
Lately, ive been going through this every other day. There are days where I wont eat anything, and then other days where I am simply ravenous.
High school is still bugging me. As you may have saw, two classmates are getting married, and im kind of....jealous??? I guess im jealous of any of these relationships though. Mainly because ive never had anyone. I had one awkward kinda sorta date thing late last year, but it never went anywhere (kinda my fault, but long story short nothing came from it).
I used to think it was because I was a fat, miserable turd. I had no self esteem, and 15 year old, 300 pound me hated who he was. So I became depressed and didnt eat. And it worked! I was down to 225 in a matter of weeks (DO NOT ATTEMPT!). And I felt a bit better about myself. I was still attracted to a dumb slutty girl who had a bf, but again my mind doesn’t work right (and I still like her too, so, yeah something is very wrong up there).
I looked in the mirror last night before getting in a shower, and hated how I looked. I thought I was looking okay, but I just hated myself. But I got to school today and saw some less attractive (in my opinion) guys with amazingly cute girlfriends. I then wondered why I didn’t have that. And I don’t have an answer yet. Id like one though.
When out to dinner with family, there was this really cute girl at the table across from us. She was also stuck with her family. Couldnt have been much older than me, although I never saw her before. Anyway we locked eyes a few times and she had a great smile. But I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. And then they left, and I felt crummy.
Every night, when I try to sleep, I cant shake the emptiness, maybe its the fact that I have a queen size bed. Either way, I hate it. And I dont know how to change it.
Looking back, I dont see the point to any of this. I kinda just treat this as my journal and just say what comes to mind.
Im very lonely still
I have no self confidence
I like talking with you guys