I finally made plans to get dinner with someone next week! It all happened ver quickly yesterday afternoon. And today I feel like a terrible person! Maybe I should back up....

Near the end of the last school year, I became rather close with a senior in my math class (I was a junior). We had a lot in common and clicked. After a few texts, she actually wanted to get dinner! My first date! Things sound perfect, right? There was just one problem. I wasn’t sure what I wanted this to be.


We had so much in common. We both are from Jersey, hate Florida, are smart and although we dream big, always knew that reality was a cruel mistress. She had the makings of a perfect girlfriend.


She just wasn’t attractive enough. There, I said it. Maybe its the virginity dying to leave my body, maybe I’m just a super sized hypocrite. I wanted some super cute girl that would leave other people wondering how I got such s great girl. With her, people would think nothing of it, that im dating my own kind of sorts.

Why am I a hypocrite? Because im not attractive at all. Im overweight, my head’s too big, and my social anxiety can make me weird in public. Why should someone like me have a beautiful girl if I myself am a seemingly worthless human?

This conflict went on in my head for quite a while. She could be a great best friend, but I knew she actually liked me and didn’t want that. Was I going to friend zone a girl? I did something better.


The “date” went great. We drove about 30 minutes north to a town that isn’t all closed by 9PM. We walked around main street and went to an awesome littoe gastropub. We kept each other entertained all night. When I dropped her off, she texted me thanking me for a wonderful evening.

We talked in school, I texted her a little bit. Then the school year ended. And I went quiet. I never texted her again. Yeah, I guess I am that guy. Not by choice. Im just a terrible person.


Now we fast forward to yesterday.

I texted her again. She was thrilled to hear from me. In order to catch up, im taking her out later this week. But im having the same battle in my head again. Then I had a dream....


My summit girl. My first kiss. My first flirt. My first time rounding second and even landing safely on third. She came back into my head. She’s a mess. She drinks, she is easy, every guy flirts with her, and yet....I still think about her. I left my job to get away from her. She was the cause of a majority of my depression last year. I never dated the girl and yet I loved her. She was so cute and fun and I wanted that brightness in my dark life.

She’s been dating the same rich guy forever now. She loves him. He loves her. I need to move on. But every time I try, she comes back.


Honestly, how terrible of a guy am I? It seems like Im just leading this poor girl on. Ironically this is how that summit girl messed up my life. So I really dont want to do that to someone else.I don’t even know if that post made any sense, im half asleep and depressed so its a lot of rambling. Im sorry.