No sooner than I post that "thank you" post to you guys on Oppo do I want to leap off the Empire State Building and dive head-first at supersonic speeds into an Ebola-infected spike and immediately end any remote possibility of continuing to exist in this world.

So very obviously this is going to be another personal story and I hereby free you from the obligation of having to read this. Before I go on: no, I do not consider myself a suicide threat. I might cry myself to sleep but I'm going to go to sleep anyway, take my meds and wake up happy and ready to do whatever shit it was I was going to do. But now that I've got that out of the way....

I read EL_ULY's post about how a young woman with a dog tried to break into his house and honestly I'm very heartbroken that his first response was missing his Saiga so he couldn't shoot and kill her. Yes, I know, I'm probably looking like a massive Jezebel-loving gun-hating flaming liberal pussy right now but right now I really don't care. Yes, I do love Jezebel (or at least after meeting a bunch of frequent posters to Jezebel and GT, I really started to see where they were coming from). Yes, I hate guns. Yes, I'm a massive flaming liberal pussy. But that wasn't always the case. Very specifically, I used to hate women so much even I thought at one point it might be inevitable that I might rape and kill a young woman, and I would fantasize all the time about being robbed by a young woman so I can have an excuse to rape and kill her.

I used to love guns - I mean REALLY love guns. More than vestigial evidence in my personality exists to this day as I know what the fuck a "Saiga" is and can discuss and debate at least some of the more basic points of firearms. And by that I mean argue that no other hand gun on Earth has the control and balance of a Sig Sauer P226, IMHO the Rolex of semi-automatic pistols. And I know this because a long time ago I used to send a lot of rounds down range from a variety of weapons including, obviously, the Sig Sauer P226. I think 7.62x54 NATO and 7.62x39 Warsaw are, respectively, the most overrated calibers on Earth and the 5.56 NATO is underrated, though not necessarily guilt-free of being underpowered. And so on, my dumbass opinions are enough you get the point.

But back when I was 9 years old I thought guns were basically really cool toys. And I thought it would be really cool to actually fucking shoot and kill someone. I would take a pair of scissors and grip one of the handle ends and one of the blade ends and pretend it was an assault rifle and pretend to blow away all my friggin' classmates in the middle of class, for no other reason that I would rather be shooting a goddamn machine gun than be in fucking class (yeah I was a fucking worthless shit back in 3rd grade). I didn't necessarily hate my classmates, but in my imagination they were just targets, no real distinction between a human with a head and a paper target with a bullseye. Looking back in it all these years I still think it's one of the most disgusting behaviors I've ever displayed. When I was in Cub Scouts and I wanted to go straight for the BB guns, my dad yelled at me that a BB gun wasn't a toy because even he fucking recognized that in my mind, they were. It didn't matter if it was a Daisy Rider or a .50 BMG, it just shoots and makes loud noises and sent a kinematic thrill down your body and the bullets striking the bodies and shredding them into a bloody mess just added to the theatrics of the thrill. My dad recognized that I was seriously lacking in firearms discipline but what he didn't recognize was that I was a near psychopath.


And on top of that were the "women" problems. Now obviously some guy who asks out female security guards while they're on duty has "women" problems, but to put it bluntly I used to have severe rape fantasies, or of brutally beating or killing women for sexual pleasure. I used to think pulling a woman's pulsing entrails out from her body and waving them around in front of her face and slowly watch her die was more sexually gratifying than actual sex. If that sounds like the most disturbing thing in the world to you, I FUCKING HOPE IT DOES SOUND LIKE THE MOST FUCKING DISTURBING THING IN THE WORLD TO YOU. I hope you're scared of this kid. I'M FUCKING SCARED of this kid and I was him! I very frequently look back on those years and I fucking wonder if I could've turned out like the Colombine killers, and I'm very, very grateful that I did not.

I don't know why I was like this. I've always had trouble related to and expressing thoughts and feelings and communicating and interacting with women, especially as I've tried romantic pursuits with them and failed miserably, so very honestly it doesn't surprise me that it's a manifestation of that frustration. But I don't need to tell you that that kind of behavior or even thought pattern is way, way overboard and one of the perhaps few times when mere thought can be legitimately dangerous. I don't know what else to say other than having to recall that has made me feel physically ill, shaking.

I've spent a large portion of my teen and adult years trying to distance myself away from that disturbing kid as much as possible. I evaluate cultural products - movies, TV shows, video games - by their content regarding violence against women, and quite frankly violent acts against women tend to kick a creative work down in my mind, especially video games (this is why I FUCKING HATE the Saints Row series and I cannot understand why there are women who think it's a feminist game because it lets you kill women). Very honestly trying to reconcile my current self with that past kid and trying to find a creative outlet was one of the initial sparks that lead me to wanting to be a writer, and even in my fictional work I won't kill a female character unless I feel I have a damn good justification or reason for doing it story/plot wise. It's about the only situation where I might actually consider going back to that horrible nightmare at the looney bin again before going back to being that kid again. Very fortunately, other than having to deal with depression and just the general frustration of being alive, I feel that I have done tremendous strides to distance myself from him. I don't know how I did it - maybe I just grew out of it - but I'm very proud that I'm no longer that sick kid and that I can appreciate and hold feminist values and protecting women against violence.


So no, please don't talk about wanting to kill young women, even when they're breaking and entering into your home. Yes, I know, it's your right, she's in the wrong, she's throwing her own life away and putting your own in danger and I'm being a big fucking pussy. Maybe I'm just having a reaction to my own depression and what I've been through. But it's simply something I can't deal with, and it just fucking breaks my heart to the point where I have to wonder if it truly is worth living anymore. And I don't mean me (once again, I don't consider myself suicidal right now) but if we're going to live in a society where young women are going to routinely commit crimes and throw away their own lives like this, then it's no longer a society worth living in, worth protecting, worth actively perpetuating and contributing to and I think we better take a very hard and serious look at replacing ourselves with artificial intelligence and see if they can actually get their shit straight and succeed where we so badly fail.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll double-down on my meds and go to bed now. My advance apologies.

EDIT: I'm actually bothering to read this thing myself and Oh God I'm Crying Now.....