Is the smoke detector working?

Depression and Anxiety extremely bad last few days

I’m sorry to put this here but don’t have anywhere else to put it. I’ve been feeling suicidal for the past two days. My depression and anxiety have been extremely elevated. I think it’s because I’m on break and have nothing to distract me from how I’m feeling.

Also my friends made plans in our group chat but singled out who they wanted to hang out with and excluded me. I’m so lonely and sad and don’t feel like I’ve ever been good enough for other people or myself. I hate myself and wish I could think of myself in a positive way but most of the time I hate everything about myself. I just want to die so I can stop torturing myself and feeling this depressed and anxious all the time. I’m hoping I feel better tommorrow when I go back to work because I won’t be sitting at home with nothing to do but overthinking myself to the point of suicidal thoughts. Then I start classes again next week. I’m going to try to make it to my therapist appointment on Friday hopefully I start to feel better but if not I’ll probably be off to a hospital again.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I hate it and just want to feel better but it’s not happening even though I go to therapy and take my meds and work on myself. I don’t understand what is left for me to do to actually feel better and feel positively about myself and my life. I just want it to end but also know I can’t do it because I stopped my last attempt before it killed me so I’m stuck in this hell with no way out. 

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