I’m exhausted and numb but, I’m still alive so there’s that.

I got a dosage increase on my medication and I’m basically in a holding pattern waiting for it to kick in. It’s been a week with the higher dose and I feel more numb most of the time but I still don’t enjoy anything but I’ve also been feeling some anger and have been upset a lot which is kind of new because I repress all emotions for the most part because I learned very young that I wasn’t supposed to feel these emotions. I’m also exhausted, I’ve been sleeping for around 10 hours at night but still wake up exhausted and I can barely make it through work and now I have to add in class again. I usually take a nap in the afternoon too after work and on off days. This could be a side affect of the medication increase so I’ve been told by my psychiatrist to wait a few more days to see if it lets up.

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I’ve been here before but it’s still awful, I’m constantly tired and have very little energy, I hate not enjoying anything it makes everything hurt. It’s a huge mental struggle just to eat or get out of bed or shower. Sometimes I find myself just staring at the wall while lying in my bed while not doing anything or thinking. It kind of scares me when this happens. All I feel is mental pain and I get stuck ruminating on everything I ever did wrong and how terrible I am and I can’t fight them off when I’m this weak and depressed.

So I just continue to wait and go to my sessions and just try to fight off the really bad thoughts.

I guess I just wanted to tell someone since I don’t have anyone but my therapist and doctors that I can talk to about this.