Daddy would you like some sausage? I’m sure you would, pops, because sausage is delicious and versatile as fuck. Also, in certain forms, decent innuendo.

Your mom loves this stuff huehuehue

Today we’re not discussing the tubed meat everyone loves to shove in their mouths though. Today we’re talking about ground sausage. Specifically Italian-style sausage. Most specifically, turkey Italian-style sausage. But Nibbles, why would you subject yourself to such a thing? you may find yourself asking. Here’s why:

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  • Sausage is great, sausage is great! Sausagesausagesausage
  • I fuckin’ love sausage
  • I have friends on heart-healthy diets, and pork sausage is bad, mmkay?
  • Why the fuck would you ask that? It’s sausage, for chrissakes

I started making turkey sausage a couple years back when I made some “healthy” Scotch Eggs for a party. Jennie-O doesn’t believe in selling products that are both A: ground and B: seasoned so I told Jennie where she could stick that -O and learned how to perform this miracle. Now you can too!

Nibbles-Style Italian-Style “Mild” Turkey Sausage

What you need:

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2 lbs ground turkey
1.5 tsp thyme
1 tsp rubbed sage
1 tsp savory
2 tsp salt
1.5 garlic cloves (or 1 tbsp garlic powder)
2 tsp black pepper
1 tbsp. whole fennel seed
1 tsp caraway seed
1.5 tsp red pepper flakes
.5 tsp celery seed

Obtain Turkey

Buy ground turkey at your favorite store. I hear stories that some places offer it fresh-ground. I don’t have one of these places nearby so I get to deal with the corporate shit. If you’re hipster enough able to find it I’m sure the fresh stuff is leagues better than this. But this works.

Fancy packaging and brands without capitalization means this is good shit

Put the turkey in a bowl

LOL edgy joke here, you totally fell for it didn’t ya

Really just put the fucking turkey in the bowl

Yes, there’s a joke here. No, I won’t tell it.

Using your mortar and pestle - you do have a mortar and pestle, right? What’s that? You don’t? Well fine then. You should go out and buy a mortar and pestle because they’re useful as fuck and you get to be snobbish around your friends and talk down to them because you have a mortar and pestle and they don’t. They probably don’t even know what that is. Using your mortar and pestle sheer willpower and strength (or other crushing apparatus) crush the fennel and caraway seeds. Once they’re reasonably crushed - not pulverized, don’t go that far BIG MAN - add the other seasonings to the mortar and mix to your hearts content.

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[a picture would be here but I was too busy playing with my mortar and pestle. Deal w it]

Once reasonably mixed, throw the seasoning into the bowl with the turkey. Now put your hands in that bowl with the turkey. Grab the turkey. Caress it. Become one with it. Let it become a part of you. Not that part, you dirty sonofabitch, c’mon! This is a cooking show not goddamned PornHub. Anyway, back to the turkey. Manually mix the seasonings into the ground meat. Squish it, let it ooze between your fingers. Reminisce about your primary school years and that neat stuff the teachers called Oobleck. If you’re too old to remember that shit, reminisce about, I dunno, the silty mud between your toes when you skinny dipped at Farnsworth’s pond with Mabel. She was a looker back then, wasn’t she? Now lets come back to earth, old timer.

Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah. Mix that shit. Mix it good. Congratulations, you just made sausage! Now wasn’t that easy? Put it in a storage bag and store it in the fridge for at least 12 hours before using. Use it within 5 days for best results.

This makes a good, all-purpose mild sausage. If you want more heat, double the red pepper and throw a dash of cayenne in the mix. If you’re not out of smoked paprika like I am, a tsp or so is great in the sausage as well.