Depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts post

(21 male triplet commuting to college from narcissistic home while working and trying to fix my fucking depressed and anxious brain.) Sorry I kinda slapped this together from some journal entries I made. It’s also depressing so I’m sorry about that. I did divide it into sections because it’s so long.

Entry from last week which includes personal trauma history

I hate myself and feel like I don’t deserve to live. I don’t understand it. It’s so hard to be nice to myself. But if I knew someone else like me and about my situation I would want to do anything I could to be nice to them. But I don’t like myself and think I deserve this. I think it might be due to my personal traumas. I’m a triplet and my siblings never wanted to play with me when I was younger and got more attention than me because they would through fits but I learned to be quiet and that the only way to get positive attention would be to be perfect and quiet. I would still get in trouble sometimes for making mistakes and a lot because if any of us got in trouble my dad would punish all of us so I never knew when I would get in trouble for something. My parents would get in arguments if my mom bought us toys and for other reasons that I’m not aware of but I would hear them fighting and would hide and cry by myself.

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Then they got divorced when I was in the 6th grade and that didn’t end until I was in 8th grade. It was a bad divorce and I remember my aunt saying she wanted to strangle my mom to my mom while I was there. I wasn’t allowed to tell my dad anything about her house because then we were told we wouldn’t get to see our mom again. She also was trying to turn us against him and she understood my depression when I was a child although I never got help until later. She liked me so I believed her about my dad. But she also became an alcoholic and I had to pay for dinner sometimes with my christmas and birthday money and had to drive her home one time about an hour alone when I was 15 because she brought wine with her and passed out. We were there with my stepdad and siblings but we took two cars and I was the one who stepped up. Then I told our stepdad that I wanted her to start drinking less because she always got mad and then passed out on the couch and he told her that and she kicked him out. Then she got worse and My brother and I chose to move out and move in with our dad full time instead of 50/50.

This was when I was 16 and she died while I was 17 two weeks before senior year of high school. I think she might have killed herself because no one will tell me how she died and I found out years later that she was bipolar. I had been treated for depression when I was a junior but I wasn’t allowed medication because of my dad saying no. Her death didn’t really hit me until college and when it did my depression worsened and I became suicidal for the first time. I found help at my colleges counseling center and began to realize a lot was wrong. I thought everything that happened to me was normal because thats how my family looks at it they pretend nothing ever happened and that everything is good. This has also lead to me thinking overtime I make a decision that someone will die and I will be miserable.

At this point I was 18 and had to drop some classes because I wasn’t functioning properly and was going to fail the classes. My dad found out and burst into my room while I was sleeping and yelled at me and questioned me for about a half hour and then he ignored me for about 6 months. My Aunt made me talk to him and he blamed me for everything wrong with me.

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Around this time I tried to kill myself after he had me clean his girlfriends car and I was crying because I was out of energy because of my depression and then had to clean her car and he saw me crying but left anyway and I had done my research and knew it would take about 12 minutes in the garage with the engine on but I only made it to 7 before chickening out and I cried in my room until passing out from exhaustion.

Shortly after I had to change therapists and was barely holding everything together with work and a partial class load and the school racing team I was on. I felt terrible around my family so I was only home for about 4 hours a night which eventually broke me. My dad still was mostly ignoring me and refused to get brakes for my car because “money was tight” even though he said he would pay for a car and maintain it but wouldn’t pay for tuition. He was going on trips with his girlfriend though. I had some close calls with the car and knew he didn’t care about my safety as much as he did money.

Then my sophomore year of college I finally got medication after working through that with my therapist and I discovered that my something wasn’t right with my dad and family. I learned that he is probably an undiagnosed narcissist and I set down the road of trying to accept it and the fact that he would never be a real parent to me. Which has been very hard and I still sometimes think it must be something I’ve done and that I’m not good enough to be liked or loved and that I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve love, kindness or happiness. That I don’t deserve to live and that I should just give into the pain inside because I’ll never deserve to be happy and that no one will ever really love me but that it’s all a trick to manipulate me into doing what they want. I just feel like poison inside and my world has turned upside down and I don’t know what to believe anymore and I feel so damaged and broken beyond repair that there’s no point because even when I think I deserve better I’ll probably never heal enough and I’ll feel like this forever. My Aunt also recently told me that no one will be nice to me or like me because I’m too quiet and negative and that they won’t until I go back to being the happy kid.

I hate how I get treated so much worse than everyone else in my family

It’s so painfully obvious to me now and I don’t understand it and it frustrates me. I make these huge steps personally like buying my own car and I get resistance from my Narcissistic dad and stepmom every step of the way but my brother buys a car(new) and my dad helps him do it and works with the bank and gets him full insurance and buys him gas cards and so does the rest of my family. I buy a car and people point out dents (it’s a 2005 Corolla I bought for $3700) of course it has fucking dents it’s 10 years old. So I had to fight hard for this and work through them and then the car I get is ignored or shit on. Why? It’s rude and uncalled for and its so different from my brother. My sister was given a 2012 Kia Soul with full coverage and but I got a car that wasn’t fully insured and was an 05 Crown Vic with a broken seat, blown shocks, bald tires and bad brakes so I had to step up and buy a safe car for myself and I get shit on for it. WTF is wrong with me that they won’t be nice to me? I talked to my Aunt about it and she said no one in my family will be nice to me because I’m not positive or happy enough. I HAVE DEPRESSION, so I’m not worth loving or being nice to. I hate it so much I want to be unconditionally loved and actually cared for more than anything else on this shitty planet and I feel like my insides are poisoned and it’s making me emotionally sick and unstable and it makes me want to try to kill myself again. It sucks that I can see the abuse now because it’s constant and everyone in my family denies it and makes it my fault if I bring it up. So everything is my fault including my depression and they won’t like me because of that.

Current history

This current drop to severe depression started about a month ago now with me forgetting to get a refill of my antidepressant and having to use some old non extended release pills. Then my golden child sister came home and I was expected to do what she or they want for the weekend which was to go with them to a casino. As per usual they all came up with a plan without me about what to do.

I wrote this

“They decided to go to the casino as a family and then after everyone else had signed on they asked me to go so I’m either a terrible person who ruins the family moment or a terrible person who isn’t happy enough to be loved because I’m not enjoying myself enough for them. Who am I kidding I’m a terrible person for having depression and not being good enough for them. I’m sorry I just don’t know what to do and feel really trapped and like I don’t have any options and I feel hated and helpless uncontrollably helpless and now it’s shutting me down and I’m starting to dissociate again because I feel so scared and overwhelmed. Help me please”

Then this dragged out into the rest of the day because they didn’t set a time and then cancelled it because thats what my brother wanted but choose a movie and then cancelled going to the movie and instead watching a movie at our house and then that got delayed because my sister went to a party and then happened and ended at 11pm and then I said I was going to bed and my dad started giving me attitude about why I would be going to bed and I had to try to defend my choice of wanting to sleep because it was late.

Then the next day I needed to do homework and my brother shut the power off in the house so that he could install a ceiling fan which he then kept complaining about and asking if he should just cut wires and he manipulated me into doing it for him.

Shortly after had my first panic attack which involved lying on the ground while I had racing thoughts that made me feel like my head was spinning but my body wasn’t and crying uncontrollably and getting really specific suicidal thoughts and wanted it to stop more than I wanted to live. This made me unstable for the next week and a half and I broke down after my professor asked me if I was okay and then shook my head and cried for over an hour. I’ve slowly been getting better with help from my therapist and psychiatrist. I went back to school last week after a break and have managed to catch up and I went back to work for the first time yesterday but am still feeling pretty awful.

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We did determine that it was because I had made a lot of changes that were huge for me; I bought a car for myself because my old one wasn’t safe and the seat was broken which gave me back spasms and my dad was consistently falling through on his promise to maintain it for me while I’m in college, and I had started trying to make some choices for myself. The weekend gave me a huge internal conflict about if my needs should be more important that their wants which triggered my panic attack. I also have been recently learning that I’ve actually been emotionally abused for my life by my parents and have been trying to cope with this and my rapidly changing viewpoints on everything in my life. Also I have seasonal affective disorder and it’s February and both of my thumbs are sprained and I have back spasms.

I also got triggered again yesterday because my dad is going to take my tax return because I owe him because I couldn’t be filed as a dependent because I didn’t take enough classes. (Not that he needs the money anyway he and my stepmother just bought a $300,000 house and I pay for all of my tuition and most of my living expenses.) It had been making me anxious and worried because I wanted to buy a bed so I can stop sleeping on the floor but couldn’t without the tax return and the check came so I had to talk to him about it and he told me he was going to need it. Then he changed his mind but wanted me to say I was going to take a full load of classes and I said that I don’t know if I’ll be able to. It seems like I get to keep the money now but it made me really confused and I started dissociating and just lying down staring at the wall and trying to get through it as best as I could and took one of my anti anxiety meds. So I’m waiting for my upped dose of medication to help but I couldn’t even make it through my full shift today because I ran out of energy.

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I am still receiving professional help from my therapist every week and a psychiatrist for medication monthly. I am on antidepressants and I do take them and I just got a dosage increase on Friday as well as some emergency meds for anxiety. We also talked about hospitalization and decided that I could if I wan’t to but that it wasn’t necessary yet because I don’t have a concrete plan or time but I probably could if I wanted to and would need to if I got any worse.

Sorry I know it’s probably too depressing and not that bad in real life but just bad in my head because I’m a fucked up and broken person.