Here's the deal: I'm a 20 year old guy who's had en0ugh.

I've been clinically depressed for the past few years and can remember even having depression as a kid. I go to college part time (7 credits) work part time 35 hours per week and am on my colleges fsae racing team. So I think its safe to say I have a full plate. I take antidepressant and see a psychologist at my college once a week and it's not working, don't get me wrong its better that I am seeing my psychologist than when I don't but its been 2 solid years of severe depression.

Advertisement

My parents got divorced when my and my siblings were in 6th grade and that didn't end until I was in high school. During that time I lived constantly on the move never staying in one parents house for more than 3 days at a time. My mom deteriorated during this time and became an emotionally abusive alcoholic and we were told that we weren't allowed to tell anyone about what was going on. I would have to drive her home sometimes because she would be drinking in the car even though I was only 14. The divorce got really nasty and my siblings and I got caught in the middle a lot. In high school I choose to move out from my moms and move in with my dad full time because my mom had gotten so bad to be around. After that in my sophomore year of high school I got clinically depressed for the first time and couldn't get out of bed or really do anything for a couple weeks and we didn't figure out what was wrong with me for a couple months until I started to see a therapist. I was in rough shape for a long time, I tried really hard to hide it and wasn't allowed by my dad to go on any medications. Despite this I had seemed to rebound in my junior year and get better. Then when I was 17 my mom died two weeks before my senior year of high school started. I was never told how she died. I didn't really feel the effect immediately as I hadn't talked to here since the night my brother and I left her house for the last time.

I got into college and graduated from high school. I chose my college because I could commute to save money as I had to pay for all of it plus transportation even though I had been struggling to find a job. So I lived off my social security checks from when my mom died for a while, got into the engineering college and joined the race team. But I was feeling off and knew I was slipping again. Just before a team meeting that fall I broke down and bawled in my car for a while because it finally hit me that I didn't have a mom anymore and that I wouldn't ever have what most of the people around me had. I started to struggle in school and had suicidal thoughts for the first time. I knew it was time to get help. I didn't talk to my dad about it because he seemed against treating it and had been becoming more distant with me to the point of ignoring me unless he needed me to do something or thought I did something wrong. I started to see a psychologist at my school at this point and during the winter semester I tried to kill myself in our garage with a car running when no one was home. After 7 minutes I chickened out turned the car off and went inside and cried until I fell asleep. I knew then that even that option of escape wasn't an option because I couldn't even control that. I was stuck in my own personal hell with no out. I had to drop a class because I had so much anxiety about it that I couldn't get myself to go to class anymore.

I continued to get help and it helped a little. But my dad got angry with me about it and confronted me and yelled at me for dropping a class and for being depressed. My dad is emotionally abusive and would ignore me unless he needed me to do things for him like fix the cars for free or stuff around the house. Everything I did is wrong for him and he pretends I don't have depression. He gets angry with me if I complain about money problems and tells me to get another job. He complains if I don't do anything and complains if I do too much. I will try to avoid him to prevent abuse but then he confronts me about it and makes everything my fault. I continued to go to college but only took one class in the fall so that I could try to get better and work more. I got switched from a student psychologist to the head of the psych department at my college and she advised me to get put on antidepressants. During out sessions I learned that I have a condition called learned helplessness, clinical depression an emotionally abusive family and a whole host of other issues. I continued on though and got through the semester.

Advertisement

Around this time I found out my mother was bi polar and began to suspect she killed herself. I also learned that during my parents divorce her illness was used as a weapon against her during court to try to keep her from being able to see us.

For the current semester I take 7 credits while working and being a member of our racing team. Things have gotten worse at home and I desperately want to move out but can't afford it. I look at the negatives of everything and I'm caught in a viscous cycle of self doubt and negative thoughts. I have no self esteem and little to no confidence. I just try to make it though the next second minute and hour. I was told this week that I will lose health insurance unless I go back to school full time, this is something I don't think I could handle mentally or financially anymore. I used to think I wanted to be an engineer but I failed calc 1 and don't think I smart enough anymore. My mental capacity has declined with my mental state which has gotten a lot worse yet again. I have no idea what I want to do anymore and I don't enjoy anything. If I lose health insurance I won't be able to receive medication anymore. I'm trapped with no escape and no support.

I am a miserable and broken human being and I just want to quit again. I feel that I am beyond repair and don't see anything getting better any time soon. I am in a constant state of mental anguish and am tired of having to live my life. I find myself hating being me and wishing I could have had a good life where I could have been happy. I find myself crying myself to sleep every night wishing I had just stayed in the car for a few more minutes so that I could have escaped.

I don't really know what the point was in posting this but I'm struggling to even care anymore anyway.